Apparently FIBBS (the Federation of Intergalactic Big Box Stores) has decreed that this week, Friday will fall on Thursday. What I want to know is, does that mean Thursday gets bumped back to Wednesday, so I get Wednesday off?
Oh, wait. I'm a government employee. I already get Wednesday off. How about Tuesday, then?
Anyway, FIBBS has decided that this year "Black Friday," with all its traditional post-Thanksgiving Christmas sales, will actually begin on Thursday evening, Thanksgiving Day. Presumably the festivities will continue throughout the night and on into the next morning, by which time anyone willing to risk life and limb for a $59.95 Blue Ray disc player will have had the opportunity.
Like many of you, I have experienced my share of "Black Fridays." Those were not good experiences. After the last episode, in which I was nearly trampled to death by a herd of 30-something women wearing mommy jeans, sweatshirts, and no make-up, I swore I would never again go shopping at 6 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving.
Now it appears I won't have to. I can go shopping Thanksgiving evening instead.
Not that I'll be going -- but my wife just might. She's not a morning person, which explains how I nearly ended up as a stain on the linoleum that fateful "Black Friday." But she might just be enticed to go out on Thursday evening, which no doubt is exactly what marketers had in mind when they rearranged the calendar.
I'm still wondering, though, how this is going to affect my Thanksgiving, because, really, it's all about me.
Say we eat around 4:00 in the afternoon. By the time my wife heads over to the mall and its environs (aka FIBBS Row) around 7:00, in hopes of finding a parking space in the same ZIP code, I'll be about ready for my traditional post-Thanksgiving dinner snack: two giant turkey sandwiches, a bucket of leftover mashed potatoes and gravy, half a pumpkin pie, and a Diet Coke. If my wife has gone shopping, who's going to bring me my snack?
And please don't tell me to get up and get it myself. I'll be watching football, which everyone knows is my inalienable right as an American male.
I can only conclude that this is all a plot to destroy the family unit, led by FIBBS, which is obviously in cahoots with the television networks, PETA, the ACLU, the Democrat Party, and top Pentagon officials.
OK, maybe not. But let's be honest: there's really no reason to disrupt Thanksgiving just to buy something you probably don't need and that will be on sale again a few days later, when it can be purchased during normal business hours while people are actually awake and not watching football.
Hence "Black Thursday" is revealed for what it truly is: An excuse not to make me a sandwich.
Rob Jenkins is a local freelance writer and the author of "Family Man: The Art of Surviving Domestic Tranquility." E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow him on Twitter@rjenkinsgdp.